Windows

Writing all of this out creates a window into my stubborn brain.

Reading over my last post made me realize some things about myself. I always knew that the events that happened over those 4 weeks made me a little clingy towards Aaron. But I never knew why. I now understand that because there were constantly nurses, doctors, family, friends, more nurses, and just people in general around us all day every day that I am so clingy. All I wanted was to be alone with Aaron. Just us. To be free to do whatever we wanted. And all anyone ever wanted to do was talk about it, talk about it, and talk about it. I was scared of it. I am still scared of it. That's probably why I don't like talking about it...I'm afraid of it. Every where I go, I feel like a have this ball and chain attached to my ankle. I drag this weight, this story around with me every where I go. And if I try to run away from it, it follows me.

Today, I was at the Sawdust Festival in Laguna Beach with my mom, and there was an artist there that makes these really cheesy little clay people. She happened to have been making little clay Marines in their Blues as we walked into her little booth. She was putting hair on their little heads, which I though was odd because most shave it off or have a fade. So I commented, and we started to chat about it and how my husband just shaves his head every weekend. Her interest was peaked, and she began asking other questions about our military life. Just small talk. And as we walked away, she said to me, "good luck with your husband! Hopefully he wont have to go overseas!" I merely said, "Thank you" and smiled. But inside, I was thinking, "Lady, you don't know the half of it".  It just frustrates me when people are not educated on the "going ons" of the current wars. And it frustrates me that all I can do is smile and walk away when someone says something to me like that. It's as if I have a dark secret that is too hard and complicated to tell.
Even now, people hear the story, but they don't really hear it.